Refilling station.
img courtesy sdamsgaard on sxc
Three weeks ago, I started blogging every weekday here, and commenting more often on blogs where I found interesting stories happening.
That change has already brought new connections with people, new readers, and a little recognition (which is always nice).
Two weeks ago, my husband and I started paying more attention to our finances.
That change has already brought increased peace and decreased anxiety, as well as some really amazing conversations between the two of us about what we value.
A week ago, I started paying more attention to what I eat, trying to eat out less often, and restarting my yoga practice.
It’s a little early to see the results of that change, other than it’s helping with the “paying attention to the finances” change that came before it.
Thursday, our family went back to our community group from church for the first time since summer.
Yesterday, I had coffee with a friend from that group before work.
But then again, I haven’t blogged here since last Thursday. I missed Friday and yesterday.
The big lesson I gained from 2009? That my life has a capacity. It has finite volume.
Only so many things will fit. I know this, because I hit my capacity last year. I may in fact have exceeded my life’s safe capacity last year.
Last year, I made a conscious decision to let things in that I ordinarily would have kept out. I let other things shape me, push me, expand the borders of who I thought I could be. I was a smaller me, this time last year (and not in the physical sense–in the personal growth sense). I know that I’m capable of a lot more than I ever, ever thought I could be.
But by December, I was like a stretched-out sweater that had seen one too many laundry cycles outside its recommended care instructions.
It wasn’t pretty.
By the end of the year, I was clearing out EVERYTHING. I emptied my office of personal stuff. I emptied my house of a lot of junk. I stopped getting together with even my closest group of girlfriends for a bit. I considered huge, “pick up the family and move to a better climate” life changes.
It was “FIRE SALE! EVERYTHING MUST GO!!!” time, baby.
And then, I spent a week just sitting in the empty. Enjoying the empty. Revelling in the empty. But empty gets boring–quickly.
So three weeks ago, I started blogging here again. Which takes us back to the beginning of this post.
I’m adding things back into the space that is my life. The only one I believe God is going to give me.
I’m doing this really intentionally. Things aren’t going back in just because they were in before.
I’m doing it really slowly. Because I don’t want to be three or four big things past capacity before I realize I’m past capacity this time.
I’m pacing myself, and I never, ever pace myself.
It’s not a pace that is set by anything other than my own natural energy and enthusiasm, but it’s still different than what I’m used to doing.
When you’re burned out completely, you don’t need a recharge. In fact, you get to a point where you resent any attempts to recharge you just enough to keep doing what you’ve been doing. Because that’s not going to help matters.
You don’t need to “top off” your energy tank. You need to empty and refill with high-grade.
What’s “high grade” for you? And what needs to get siphoned out first?
It’s very interesting to me that we are on such close personal arcs.
I haven’t made a conscious effort to do anything differently, but I have noticed over the past 12 – 18 months that things have taken a different course. I, too, have been doing some filtering, pursuing the things that interest me and letting other things in which I participated by habit or a sense of duty fall by the wayside.
I do sometimes get stuck in old patterns, but I’m finding that happens less frequently as my energy is more focused on the stuff that really interest me.
For me the first thing that had to go was the old habits of doing what I had always done, just because it was what I had always done. I replaced it with a more honest assessment of myself, and a more honest discussion with the people I interact with. That led to some uncomfortable parts, like telling my sister that she and I have nothing in common, and some incredible opportunities, like being short-listed for a culinary scholarship.
Conan O’Brien said the following in his farewell speech on ‘The Tonight Show’: “I hate cynicism. For the record, it’s my least favorite quality. It doesn’t lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you’re kind, amazing things will happen.”
That’s how I’m choosing to live my life now. I siphoned out the cynicism and replaced it with humility.
Charles Robinson´s last blog ..A cloud-based document sharing service that should be on your radar
sounds like you are putting new wine in new wineskins after a mind detox. I guess we should evaluate this yearly at least to sure to purify our purpose. Thanks Kat, your insight always provokes self assessment.
David Horne´s last blog ..It is better to crawl before you walk
Charles – Interesting indeed, that we’re on similar paths. My sister said essentially the same thing. Makes me wonder if there isn’t some sort of “unseen cohort of growth” that exists in the world…and how often the members of that cohort find each other, in the “real world” and online.
And I fully agree about cynicism. It’s easy, and it accomplishes nothing.
David – Always glad to provoke something, and self assessment is probably better than some of the other things I’ve been known to provoke.