Internet Bard

My friends, we have seen a whole lot of crazy in six seasons.

We’ve seen a killer column of electrified smoke that scans your memories and drags you through the jungle at Mach 10.  We’ve seen an evil, kidney-stealing conman dad  miraculously appear in a basement.  We’ve seen a Korean man survive an exploding freighter full of C4 blasting him six miles in six seconds and floating on a piece of debris in shark-infested waters for two weeks.  We’ve seen a man so creepy he could give us chills by munching on Cheerios and asking for milk.    We’ve seen murderous, diamond-thieving Charlie’s Angels rejects buried alive after being bitten by a spider that induces a near-death state.

But as God is my witness, I’ve never seen anything as freaky as  Claire and Sayid smiling blissfully as they walk through the carnage in the last five minutes of Sundown, as the song my mom used to sing me to sleep with played eerily in the background.

In watching the #lost Twitter stream, I saw two basic reactions:  ”Holy schnikeys that was awesomely creepy/action-packed!” and “Where the heck are my answers?”

So here’s what you missed, if you missed it:

• unLocke sent Claire into the Temple to send a message to Dogen.
• Dogen and Sayid had a massive Samurai vs. Iraqi Ninja smackdown.  Score one for Team Samurai.
• Dogen banished Sayid, but then retracted it, giving him a big honkin’ knife and asking him use it to kill unLocke.
• Sayid gave it the old college try, but it turns out that unLocke is significantly harder to kill than Jacob.
• unLocke promised Sayid that he could have Nadia back, even though Nadia is dead.

(NOTE: This scene reminded me a lot of the scene in 300 where Xerxes promises the hunchback anything he wants, if he’ll betray the Spartans.)
(NOTE:  Also reminded me of the scene in The Princess Bride where Rugen promises Inigo anything he wants if he’ll spare his life.)
(NOTE: If anybody still thinks unLocke/MIB is the good guy, what on earth have you been smoking?)

• Sayid then developed the same creepy-crazy-evil smile that Claire has.
• Kate, unaware that Claire is completely bonkers, told her about Aaron and that she came to rescue/reunite her with her son.
• Claire has become a grown-up version of the creepy little girl from the Poltergeist movies.
• Sayid returns to the Temple, and tells everyone they have until sundown to join MIB in leaving the island, or die.
• He listens to Dogen’s touching story of how he ended up on the island, and then drowns him in the tainted fountain. Match, set, game: Team Iraqi Ninja.
• Then he uses the big honkin’ knife to kill Lennon, Dogen’s completely unnecessary translator.
• Ilana, Lapidus, Sun and Ben show up and rescue Miles as the Smoke Monster rolls through the Temple killing more or less everyone.
• Miles tells Sun that Jin is alive/nearby.  She seemed stoked about it.  Aside from being terrified and confused as all heck.
• Kate dangles over the pit of despair where the Others were keeping Claire as the smoke monster train rolls by.
• Ben tries to rescue Sayid, but pretty quickly discovers that Sayid is now bonkers.  And evil.
• Kate follows Claire and Sayid out of the Temple, looking appropriately dismayed at all the dead bodies lying around.  Kate != crazy/evil. Yet.
• UnLocke glares at Kate, and then leads the Others who’ve joined him, Claire and Sayid, into the jungle.

In the Sideways Universe

• Nadia is married to Sayid’s brother Omar, who is a dry cleaner.  Not to mention kind of a tool.
• He’s also dumb enough to borrow money from a loan shark.  Because doggone it, one dry cleaning place just wasn’t enough.
• Omar ends up “mugged” and hospitalized at St. Sebastian’s: official hospital of the multiverse-impaired.
• The loan shark is one Martin Christopher Keamy.  He and his goons kidnap and try to scare Sayid.
• Sayid kills all of them, and then finds Jin tied up and gagged in a meat locker.

That about covers it.  Now I have to go to bed wondering if my mom was ever part of the Dharma Initiative and if so, if I’m actually Evil Spawn.

That’s… just… great.

lost season six